Boring Boring Bangkok………..

Back in Bangkok and in less than 24 hours in the city, here’s what happened to me:

• I was a passenger in an airport shuttle bus driven by the Thai F1 champ.  Belive me 35 minutes from Suvarnabhumi Airport to Sukhumvit Road is quite an achievment.  Add on the excitement of passing the main runway and wondering if that approaching 747 is going to land on the bus or the runway and you have an excellent 150 baht white knuckle ride introduction to Thailand.
• I was sat in a respectable bar (well, I thought it was respectable) and after20 minutes had been chatted up by three girls who all wanted to be my ‘friend’.  One of the girls must have been the oldest working girl in Thailand who told me she hadn’t eaten all day because she had no customers.  I offered to by her some food but my Thai isn’t good enough to translate what she said, except for the word “Off!”
• On the way back to my hotel, the path gets very narrow where the concrete stairway to the Skytrain cuts across it.  As I approached it a Thai girl 20 feet away saw me coming.  She was slim and pretty – but then she pulled her top down and flashed me!  Pure silicon – and that means she’s no lady…………..more lady boy.  I had to get passed and as I approached she covered up and grabbed my hand.  Then her mate appeared and she flashed as well.  Her mate was no oil painting – more like a bloke in a frock.  They both grabbed my hands, then my bum and then more intimate parts.  Then it started getting a bit rough and I realised they were actually after my wallet.  I’d heard about groups of katoeys mugging people like this and realised I’d walked straight into it.  The groping was getting pretty painful so I elbowed one away and shouted “Police!” and that was it – they were gone!  I survived with my wallet and most of my dignity in one piece.
• In the bar next to my hotel (both respectable places, honestly) I met the worst person it’s EVER been my misfortune to come across in all my travels.  Suntanned, vest wearing, tattooed, extremely drunk, loud, offensive, aggressive, late middle aged, Australian, ex-pat, 120% pure aresehole.  He was racist and every other word was a particularly bad swearword.  He shouted at his Thai girlfriend who burst into tears and ran out, he shouted at me for being a Pom and he shouted at the world in general.  His English friend was doing his best to calm him down and asked him why he had become such an aggressive drunk.  His reply was “Because I fell in love with a ******* Thai woman.”  At this point his upset Thai girlfriend came back into the bar and threw her house keys right in his face.  That shut him up………..for about 10 seconds and then he was off again.  Faced with such naked stupidity there was only one thing I could do.  Yep, I drank up and left, I’d had enough excitement for one day.

See what I mean about Bangkok being boring?  That’s satire by the way.